Letting Our Children Learn to Play In The Park

The weather is nicer. The trees and grass are greening up and everyone is anxious to get outside and explore the world. Last year your toddler was happy to hold your hand and walk beside you. He rarely left a 5 yard radius of your body and you knew that he would be safe because he showed nothing more than curiosity when looking at the playground equipment that was clearly too big for his wee legs.

This summer your baby is growing up and has discovered a sense of adventure. Not only has the adventure set in but so too has her ability to run farther and faster than you. She sees the bigger play structures at the park as challenges meant to be tackled head-on!

How do you help your sweet child learn to play safely while also helping them to maintain their need to learn and discover on their own?

My children were taught that they needed to listen to their bodies and that they needed to be able to achieve success on the playground of their own accord (of COURSE I was there to spot them). This simply meant that I didn’t help them climb the rope, scale the “rock” wall or navigate the hand-over-hand bars. I wanted them to be able to learn to try it themselves and see what their body told them.

This is something I wasn’t taught as much as a child. I am not knocking my parents. We had a HUGE property to go out and explore at will and we were given carte-blanche for figuring out what our bodies could and couldn’t do. We weren’t in parks as often though and there were very few play structures around to test our physical limits. We learned at a young age that apple trees were easier to climb than maples; the branches were lower and closer together.

And now that my children are well past the age of needing constant supervision, my concern is the lessons that they give the other children. To the parents who wince as my boys climb more on the {inappropriate} outside of the equipment than the inside: I am sorry. I remember the frustration I experienced when my boys would watch the “big kids” play in a way that I was less comfortable with.

About 10 years ago my friend, Stephanie, made an observation that has stuck with me in the years since. She said that the more we tell our children to “be careful” the more we end up giving them instruction instead of encouraging them to learn themselves. I took that, and many other pearls of wisdom impart to me by her, to heart. I wanted my children to learn how to achieve success themselves and I didn’t want to worry them that their choice of activity might be unsuitable for them. I wanted them to come to that conclusion on their own. The best part of this approach for me has been seeing how my preconceived ideas of what my children should and should not be able to do was rarely on par with their own. What’s more? They usually were far more easily able to accomplish the goals they’d set for themselves than I expected.

I did a brief survey on Twitter to ask parents how they taught safety to their children while helping their babies retain the dignity and, more importantly, the INTEREST in learning about the world around them.

@Principled told me that she believes “The fewer rules, the better. Our big one is "stay together." And @KarenAngstadt wrote that she “always taught them to climb down after they climb up (from age 2 on). One skill absolutely nec for safety.” I love how @wendymcdonnell put it (as I always love her thoughts) when she wrote: “how about simplicity in parenting. less is more...”

At the end of the day, I strongly believe that our children will learn to be strong and independent individuals more quickly and confidently the more we back-off. We teach them the skills required to be safe and, more importantly to me, to listen to their instincts and we stand with them as they try new adventures. We offer suggestions when we are asked for help but mostly we just continue to encourage their desire to learn and achieve of their own volition.

Posted by Sam

Where there's a WILL . . .

The coffee table conversation quiets to a near whisper when it’s been mentioned that one of the couples present has an appointment Monday afternoon to speak with their lawyer about having a will written up. Eyes dart uncomfortably around the room and a palpable level of tension can now be felt. Someone played the “death” card, or so it would seem to outside observers.

While we have all heard the old adage, “the only absolutes in life are death and taxes” we continue to do what we can to ignore the former. When we have a family then it becomes that much more frightening to acknowledge that we won’t be around forever and so we “bury our heads” in the proverbial sand and seem to assume that if we don’t do anything formal then a need to decide who will care for our children in our stead will never arise.

Have you, as parents, taken the time to talk about this possibility? Have you been honest with yourselves about who the best caregivers would be for your children if you were no longer able to meet that obligation? Have you thought about how the finances would be sorted to ensure that your children are able to be adequately provided for?

There are a few different ways to put a will together. If you have the time and the financial resources I strongly recommend that you consider finding a lawyer to put your documents together. When I asked if my Tweeps on Twitter had created a will @AureliaCotta was quick to say, “Yes, but please tell people to get a lawyer or legal clinic to help, it's the best money they'll ever spend.” If you are simply not able to fund having your requests compiled by a professional then the other options are to purchase a “Do-It-Yourself” will kit (online or at a bookstore) or to handwrite something out which outlines your requests. With the latter two options I do recommend having your signatures witnessed by two different and unrelated people. This helps omit any chance of confusion in the future.

I’ve stated that I think you should, when possible, consult a lawyer for the drawing of your papers but my reason goes beyond the reality that it is the easiest route to take. Your lawyer is there to consider all possibilities for you and to ask you the questions you might not think to ask yourself about how you would like the see the cards play out in the world if you are not able to be here yourself. They will help you see value where you might think there isn’t any, they may help you determine the best way to choose executors, they may even help you make allowances for subsequent life eventualities which you hadn’t even considered.

A lawyer may suggest asking someone other than the executor/executrix of your estate to be the person to care for your children. Why would this make a difference? Perhaps it offers you the opportunity to feel secure that the financial decisions, which will need to be made for your children, are thought about and discussed by more than one individual.

Has the person you’ve asked to care for the children in the event of your death, a relationship with members of your family on both sides? Why? This might make it easier for ensuring a strong connection to all family members who would like to stay active in the lives of your growing babies.

What if one of you dies before the other? How will you manage in the interim as you cope with the grief of your loss while meeting the needs of your children? Are there provisions that may be included to ensure everyone is as happy, supported, knowledgeable as possible in such circumstances? Living wills, powers-of-attorney, etc. are also important considerations.

There isn’t any doubt that a will is a necessity for parents. I know, as I have said, that even thinking about the possibility of not being around to watch your children grow up is heartbreaking. It is not something that any parent wants to consider. This reason alone should be solely responsible for you taking the steps to secure the future you have mentally mapped out for these small individuals who mean more to you than your own life does. Be there for them in death as often and in as many ways as you have been in life.

POSTED BY SAM

GUEST POST from Michelle at doudou bebe

My baby boy just turned three and my baby girl will be six soon. Every year since I became a mother, this is a tough time. I love planning the birthdays: the cakes, the venue, the decorations and all, but their birthdays are a reminder that their birth days were really quite terrible days in every way except that I became their mother that day. I didn’t really realize how important it was to me until my daughter said she’d rather just have a friend over – I felt the anxiety well up in me at the thought of not having the ‘party’ project to distract me.

I envy, deeply, mothers who can tell those great birth stories – home births, water births, hospital births, heck, even c-sections. Details don’t matter so much as that they remember it with joy that they can recount it for their children. I know they are not fairy tales, but they feel that way to me sometimes and I am sad that I have none of these to share.

Both kids were born among waves of illness and fear and dread with none of the things I had wished for them or myself. It’s hard to tell the story of the good parts without explaining just how terrible the bad parts were. My midwives were my nervous system when I couldn’t process any more, my handrails on the brink of total collapse. Their father was my rock, my enforcer, his hands like a giant’s around their tiny bodies. My tiny little red birds who worked so hard to make me be their mother, rewarding us with thriving rounded cheeks and a house filled with giggles.

It’s a happy ending story that has its heroes and someday I know I’ll figure out a way to tell that to them. For them. I just don’t know how long it takes. If you don’t have a happy story to tell, you can still have the happy ending and that the sad parts of the story do get less important as the happy parts get bigger. I know they do – and hopefully someday, I won’t need to even look for distractions anymore.

But, for now, I’ll bury it in buttercream and ball pits and… Face painting anyone?

Happy Holidays

Just wanted to take a moment to wish everyone who visits the babyREADY blog a Happy Holiday season! There are so many incredible festivities being celebrated at this time of year. I love the opportunities to share the best parts of each of them with my children so that they can know more about the beliefs and faith paths of various groups of people from around the world!

So, whether you celebrate Yule, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Hanukkah, Solstice, Harvest or December 25th we at babyREADY wish you and yours the VERY best and hope your 2010 is peaceful, prosperous and filled with love!

POSTED BY SAM






PS - I apologize for the appearance of the site at the moment. Apparently there is an glitch somewhere in the system.

GUEST POST: Breastfeeding Blues turned Breastfeeding Bliss

babyREADY has been gifted with our first guest post. Please welcome Andrea Maciula Peters and comment so she knows how much you've loved her post!


Nobody told me that breastfeeding would be difficult, hard, and exhausting in the beginning so I wanted to tell whomever chose to read this blog, that it is! They suggest going to breastfeeding classes beforehand and I should’ve listened. Instead I just trusted that the hospital’s lactation consultant would help me if I needed it! Right after my c-section they wheel my daughter and I into a very cool, brightly lit room and say okay take some time and feed her. Here she is after being ripped from my loins, literally, wrapped like a burrito and her eyes are sealed shut due to the goo they have smeared on them and we are supposed to establish breastfeeding? Hmm. This is how the breastfeeding blues began.

I couldn’t get her to latch on so we went to my room, we had our visitors and when she seemed hungry again I asked for the lactation consultant to come visit us! She spent around twenty minutes showing me how to move her little chin and shove her face to my breast. Then she showed me the football hold which I still cannot do, and told me there was a good book in Ainsley’s bassinet drawers for further help. Also, she would come to my house if needed later on to help more. Then it was back to square one. So being the stubborn person I am, I started reading the book. Ainsley was a champion and she latched on pretty well most times but it did hurt. I smeared my lanolin on everytime after she fed and I am glad I did.

When we got home I was so sore and tired and swollen that life seemed almost as miserable as being 37 weeks pregnant. But I had to be happy! My dreams finally had come true, I was a mother! And I had a precious baby girl that was absolutely perfect. Now, I had to feed her every two hours it seemed like and she never slept when I wanted/needed to, but my milk came in and we were doing good.

There were other problems from surgery that weren’t a breastfeeding thing, but more of a blues thing. They put you on percocet when you have a c-section because it doesn’t “hurt” the baby. However, it makes you very tired and very stopped up. I only took the pain pills for 10 days then went to just Ibreprofen and Tylenol for my sore uterus, innerds, and skin. This definitely contributed to the "Blues".

My mother and grandmother only breastfed for short periods of time, so they were not much help when it came to pushing me a bit. However, my husband knew that my wishes were to breastfeed not fill her with formula and he gave me the right nudges and hid all the formula samples they gave us!

Fast forward to week eight and I get mastitus, a breast infection that makes you feel like you have the worst flu and your breast or breasts hurt like they have razors coming out of them. How to get rid of it: breastfeeding safe antibiotics and nurse as much as possible! I wanted to give up so many times and this was one of them. Nurse as much as possible when it feels like I have a veliciraptor with razors for gums, not really that easy!

I called friends and emailed family members and they all said the same thing. You can do this! You are doing the best thing for your child and give it time to get better! My best friend of 20 years told me to “give it thirty days” and that was perfect! I could do 30 days and then assess the situation. After the first 30 I looked at the formula samples I had all over the house and said I can do this 30 more days. And so on. Thus, my breastfeeding bliss began! Mind you it took a good month but it came.

Thanks to my husband, friends, and family members for their support and stories of successful breastfeeding. We are now still exclusively breastfeeding Ainsley and she is doing great! Her cognitive skills are surprisingly fast and I love the fact that her growth is part miracle and my hard work.

I plan on breastfeeding Ainsley as long as possible. We will see how that comes along now that she’s starting to teethe, I hear it’s not bad it just takes training!

If you are considering breastfeeding please know that it is worth it! It gets easier and faster after the first two months! Being your child's main nutrition is tough at first but then you become proud of nurturing your little one not only emotionally, but also physically!

Remember to be prepared and know that if you are feeling the "blues" or stressed there are support groups out there for you! You don't even have to call you can just type! Local Le Leche Groups can help with support or you can search bfeeding or breastfeeding on Twitter and find a whole group of Pro-Breastfeeding mommies! Good luck and I hope your breastfeeding experience is one of joy!

POSTED BY: Andrea Maciula Peters

Natural Toys for Children This Holiday Season

As gifts for my children go, it has always been the ones with the bright colours, shiny lights and freaky, technicolour sounds that have put me off. When my boys were small our house seemed to multiply plastic noisemakers in the dark. I wasn’t sure why I didn’t like them exactly; I just knew that they weren’t my favourite of all of their items to play with. More importantly than that, the shiny plastic toys were not favourites of my children either. They seemed more drawn to the wooden truck my great-uncle made just for them, the utensils in the kitchen and boxes from anywhere we could find them.

When they were little I never really thought too much about why they didn’t like the toys people purchased for them. Everyone around me told me this would happen though. “They’ll like the box far more than the gift in it, “ was a common refrain around birthdays and holiday seasons. It was true and yet it was several years before I started to wonder why this was the case. Surely there was a reason behind it.

So, what is it about natural toys that hold such great appeal? Is there a significant benefit to wood, bamboo, cotton and metal versus plastic? And when all is said and done, where can parents find natural fibre entertainment options for their children?

I had a chance to speak with Autism Consultant, Paulette Cormier (of Rainbow Connections in the GTA) about her opinions and observations regarding the types of toys she uses when working with families and why her experiences resonate beyond children on the autism spectrum.

APPEAL OF NATURAL TOYS FOR CHILDREN

The biggest draw of the less flashy entertainment options for your children is the ability for the child to use his/her imagination freely. You can envision your toddler accompanying you to the grocery store to collect the necessary food items for dinner. What happens when this same child comes home and finds an empty box he can push around the living room, loading it with pillows, blocks and any other items he may feel he needs to “buy” so he can “make dinner” too? A smaller box with small wooden blocks can be a bowl of soup, a mixing bowl for baking cookies, a cash register at a store, a parking lot filled with cars, and a farmyard full of animals. When we buy them the plastic food, plastic cash register and plastic shopping cart we limit our children from creating these items themselves.

According to Paulette, “pretend play is necessary for brain development and pre-packaged toys these days leave nothing for children to have to think about and pretend with.”

The other appeal is the energy these materials carry. Anyone who has used a wooden spoon to cook with or has sat upon a wooden chair knows that each feels “better” to us than their plastic counterpart. If **we** can feel it and we, as concrete-thinking adults, have a tendency to block out that kind of “mumbo-jumbo” then just imagine the energy these once living materials offer our developing children.

BENEFITS OF ORGANIC TOYS

When I asked Paulette why natural fibre toys are better and what benefits they have she was quick to emphasize some of the key points she has noted. The first comment she made was the one the stood out strongest to me. “Things that are simpler and less flashy tend to focus on interaction between the people rather then on the entertainment value of the commercially produced items.” It’s true. Have you ever watched a family play with organic “toys” versus their commercially created counterpart? Wooden and paper puzzles feel good, have great memories associated with them for many of us adults and seem to draw us in. I often see babies and children sitting alone surrounded by loud, flashing plastic toys. Pull out the wooden blocks or hand-knit stuffed animals and adults seem to sink to the ground with big smiles on their faces.

Paulette also pointed out what she sees to be some advantages in terms of brain development when the toys have not been manufactured from leftover *petroleum products. She highlights the following:

• Everyone learns when we receive new information
• We receive the information necessary for learning when the teachable tool has an energy to it (such as in the case of wood, bamboo, **organic cotton/fabrics and metals)
• We learn by assimilating old information and referencing it with our new experiences
• We learn best when things are quiet instead of noisy and flashy so that our brains can focus more completely on what it is that we want and need to learn
• Simple toys promote children using their imaginations more which, in response to the increased brain function promotes brain development

It simply must be said that pre-built toys leave little to the imagination. As parents we understand this but don’t necessarily think about how our decisions effect our children.

WHERE TO FIND TOYS THAT DO ALL WE WANT THEM TO DO

One place to start is your local Waldorf School. Waldorf schools focus on imaginary play, natural products and learning through doing. Their school stores are often rife with entertainment options for everyone from the very young to the very old.

Silk scarves can be capes, slings for dolls, fairy wings, costumes, ropes, etc. If you are a sewer then take some time to visit your local fabric store and ask about sample silk swatches.

Paulette reminded me too that places like Winners and Ikea often have exactly what we are looking for. We just need to go and look. Ikea has great wooden blocks, wooden train sets, and child-sized versions of our kitchen utensils. They often have canvas too that you can buy and your child can paint for you with lovely watercolours.

I remember finding some wonderful wooden puzzles at Winners when my boys were small and now the local store is carrying a line of eco-friendly wooden and bamboo baby toys like shape sorters and rattles.

Finally, it can’t be said often enough that books are an incredible gift for your child. The books we buy not only encourage our imaginations to run rampant within us but they create wonderful snuggling opportunities for you and your child. Sit down with your baby and make a habit of reading together every single day. Have you ever gone into the little, independent bookstore in your community? Most of us charge straight for Indigo/Chapters and Barnes & Noble without a thought to the small place on the main street. The bookstore owner will have many suggestions about books that are sure to spark an interest in your child.

If you aren’t near a bookstore or would prefer to order books online but are unsure where to start to create a list of perfect books, then I must recommend visiting the No Time For Flash Cards web site. Allie goes out of her way to offer craft suggestions and book reviews. I promise, you’ll lose yourself in her site and will want to buy one of everything she writes about!

At the end of the day, as we approach another hectic holiday season, bigger, brighter and noisier don’t necessary mean better. More than “things” for your children this year perhaps give them YOU. You are the toy they will most remember when they grow up.

PS - for some great gifting ideas check out the Non-Toxic Kids blog!!


POSTED BY SAM



* Studies have shown that certain plastics may negatively affect health. For instance, CHECnet.org states that, "phthalates are added to PVC (polyvinyl chloride) to make it soft and flexible. Some phthalates have been linked to cancer, kidney and liver damage, harm to developing reproductive organs, and premature breast development in baby girls. Inhaling these chemicals can also worsen asthma in children. Phthalates are not bonded to the plastic, but can migrate, or leach out."

** Pesticides and fertilizers are used on conventionally grown (non-organic) cotton, and chemicals are often used in the production process. These harmful chemicals not only impact those who buy conventionally-grown cotton, but those within miles of where they are used, as they drift in the wind, fall back to the ground in rain and snow, and leach into groundwater.
TheGreenGuide.com cites that, "Of the top 15 pesticides used on cotton crops, 7 are considered "possible," "likely", "probable", or "known" human carcinogens by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency."

Raising Boys Who Aren't Violent

My morning started out by reading this: “Remembering.....Anne-Marie Edward, Anne-Marie Lemay, Annie St Arneault, Annie Turcotte, Barbara Daigneault, Barbara Maria Klucznik, Genevieve Bergeron, Helene Colgan, Maryse LeClaire, Maryse Leganiere, Maud Haviernier, Michele Richard, Nathalie Croteau, Sonia Pelletier.”

It had been posted as a status update by @doulamama, a friend of mine on Facebook. These are the names of 14 women massacred 20 years ago in Montreal at École Polytechnique by a man who killed for no other reason than because they were women. Donna Parker posted a comment underneath which read: “we just visited the memorial at Victoria Park the other day. My son doesn't understand why violence is tolerated, I agree.”

That’s where this post comes from. As parents, how do we, in the face of all of the violence and anger we see every day, teach our children about anger management? How do we teach them to balance effectively the needs and emotions they feel inside of themselves and the needs and emotions of the people around them?

I want to say up front that I think it is clear that the man who acted in this horrific and heinous way was obviously mentally unwell. I don’t truly believe that someone can have all of their mental faculties intact if they go on a killing rampage such as what happened on December 06th, 1989. Regardless, it was an act clearly meant to inflict pain, anguish and death upon a specific group of women and it was based in anger.

RAISING RESPECTFUL CHILDREN

How to raise my children to respect everyone around them and to understand where their emotions come from has been an extended journey for them and for me. When they were young I believed, as Raising My Boychick describes, that I could teach them to listen to the “yeses” and “noes” of those around them and to ask that their own wishes be heard and respected in kind. (Admittedly the quote I have pulled this paraphrase from is more specifically about rape than other forms of abuse but “this argument is equally applicable to the fact that men beat, murder, attack, and abuse”.)

TEACHING RESPECT AS A STEP TOWARDS NON-VIOLENCE

Like Raising My Boychick I had to start by “teaching [my boys] that I have boundaries and limits and needs, too; this is a tough one, because I also believe that the more a child’s needs are unconditionally met now, in infancy and toddlerhood and childhood, the better off they are for a lifetime.” I wanted them to learn that everyone has needs that ought to be respected and honoured and in so doing there are deeper levels of connection that are achievable.

TALKING WITH OUR BOYS ABOUT VIOLENCE

We have spent all of their lives talking with our children about the violence around us. My children have both walked with me for Take Back the Night and stood with me to mourn at candlelight vigils on December 06th. They have listened to me talk about disrespect, anger management, and coercion. They have tried to comprehend my unwavering difficulty with gratuitous violence on-screen and in playgrounds. They have held my hands and wept with me when I hear of another life gone, woman maimed or family destroyed.

I hope that I (NO, I have to say **WE** here because my amazing partner in this life [DSF Imaging] has walked this road with me every single step of the parenting way and we have ALWAYS agreed on the way we “school” our children about violence and tolerance) . . . so I hope that WE have laid the groundwork for our children to be emotionally aware and stable as they grow through their teen years and on into adulthood. We are at the cusp of this change in their age and maturity and have yet to know for certain how the lessons we hope we have taught them will play out.

This is where faith in our abilities to effectively parent our children is truly put to the test. We have been lucky enough to home-school our children to this point in their lives but this year they both asked if they could try school and they are loving it. There is little doubt however, that they are exposed to far more violence, manipulation and coercion in the playground than they were at home. It is the way of the world.

We have heard time and time again that our children are an exception to “normal” sibling rules because they like each other and are best friends with one another. In the hierarchy of many families the need for domination and control over younger (read: weaker) members of the family can be a trend that is perpetuated elsewhere. This is often seen in the case of bullies. My children LIKE each other and so for them there is little need for aggressive behaviour. This contrasts with many of their peers who don’t like their siblings, have been put in positions within the family dynamics where there is a need for competition and struggle for dominance.

I could get into a long-winded rant about how much our young children NEED us to be around for them for MANY hours every day and at many different times of day; not just in the evenings and on weekends. Blame isn’t the point of this post though. It is about outlining how we have approached teaching our children to respect everyone.

It doesn’t help that everywhere we turn there is violence depicted being perpetrated on someone else. Everything from “The Lion King” and “Ice Age” to “Batman” and “Harry Potter” contain scenes of violence and domination struggles; people fighting to get what they need/deserve. In the end these movies have less stringent rules and ratings than the movies where human flesh is proffered on the screen. We are THAT messed up as a world that we live in that we are more offended by the naked body than we are by a “villan” being killed by our “hero.” This is how our children are “taught” to learn to deal with anger, frustration, and disappointment. When they were young I, like Ruth Moss, believed the best way to keep them from becoming abusive was to enforce our belief that children shouldn’t play with toy guns, etc. They see it everywhere they turn though and how do I work against that?

LISTENING TO THE WORDS OF OUR CHILDREN AND LEARNING FROM THEM

I love that we can watch movies and television shows with our children and discuss, as we watch them and after we have seen them, about the parts of the movies that we had a hard time with. They have the voice and now, as they get older, the vocabulary to help us understand how they have interpreted what they have witnessed. Sometimes I am amazed by the lessons they have learned and what lessons their observations can teach me.

It is my nature to want to talk. Of course it is. I am a professional speaker. SO, naturally I gave birth to and married non-speakers. I am learning that their quiet isn’t a way of not processing anger and their need for solitude is not repressing and bottling up their emotions. It is their journey. In the end I need to respect that. I only make it worse to tell them that their way is wrong. They DO come to talk to me when they have had a chance to determine just what it is that they are feeling. We hash out our different opinions, we listen to one another to learn why we each feel the way we do, we outline what we feel are causes for concern and, in the end, we ensure the everyone understands where we are coming from and how our individual needs can be met.

Talking, watching movies together, reading stories and inviting their friends to hang out at our place are the most powerful ways we have found that we can be present for our boys and can help them understand and process the world around them. Tonight I will take them to the vigil and while I know they will be cold, I know they will understand to be grateful to be alive and able to feel anything at all.

POSTED BY SAM