The Darker Side of Postpartum Depression

“Would you just sit still?! I don’t know why the snow is on the ground! Mommy can’t answer any more questions right now! Stop crying!”

This is how the feelings of rage began. I felt overwhelmed, stressed, and tired and then I'd just let loose and forget who I was speaking to. And then I was flattened by guilt. A crushing wave of shame crashed over me and I was suddenly the worst mom in the world. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I pull it together? What’s the big deal if we were five minutes late to Mom and Tot Swim class?

I have a history of depression and when I became pregnant with my first baby I was very concerned about Postpartum Depression. I spoke with my midwives about it. I discussed it with my husband. I guarded myself against any sadness, weepiness or other bad feelings that might have arisen after giving birth. With the exception of some normal baby blues, however, my emotional state after my first son was born was normal. Now, however, as I adjust to being the mother of two I find myself overwhelmed by unexpected emotions.

Do I feel depressed? Not exactly. Do I sit and weep inconsolably? Who has time? So, how do I feel? Angry. Ridiculously, illogically, uncontrollably angry. I am irritable, impatient, and resentful. Then I feel guilty, which makes me feel angry all over again.

After losing my temper at my two-year-old, screaming at my husband, feeling irritated at my newborn, and breaking dishes and other household items, I began to feel as though I was losing my mind. I am, after all, a doula and childbirth educator. I help other women and families prepare themselves for having babies. I felt like such a fraud for not “being able to handle” two small children. I couldn’t wait to have my second baby and here I was resentful every time he cried for me or woke in the night.

I thought briefly that this could be Postpartum Depression, so I did some research and found a list of symptoms:

• Feeling restless or moody
• Feeling sad, hopeless, and overwhelmed
• Crying a lot
• Having no energy or motivation
• Eating too little or too much
• Sleeping too little or too much
• Having trouble focusing or making decisions
• Having memory problems
• Feeling worthless and guilty
• Losing interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy
• Withdrawing from friends and family
• Having headaches, aches and pains, or stomach problems that don’t go away

Well, what I was feeling just didn’t seem to fit the list. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t crying, and many of the symptoms (fatigue, memory loss, headaches, etc.) were, to me, just symptoms of being a mother. So I began to wonder if I was just a really bad mother. I felt like I loved being a mom, but longed for time alone. I loved my children, but would watch the clock while waiting for bedtime each day.

After several weeks of my anger and irritability becoming steadily worse, a very dear friend suggested that I go and see my family doctor to speak about how I’d been feeling. I reluctantly agreed. I was just so tired of feeling awful about myself and I felt that my children, and my husband, deserved better.

When I spoke with my doctor about my symptoms he simply said, “You have classic Postpartum Depression.” I was relieved and surprised simultaneously. I couldn’t believe that I fit in that category when I didn’t feel sad at all, I was just angry... all the time at everyone. He said that for the majority of PPD-suffering moms, the most noticeable symptoms are anger and irritability. When you think of a woman suffering from PPD you often think of a mother, sitting with her baby, weeping and unable to get out of bed. This, at least in some ways, is an “acceptable” way for a woman (and a new mother) to behave. What is considered perhaps less acceptable is a new mom yelling at her children or going into her closet to scream instead of cry.

Many moms have been told that PPD is defined as being sad and crying uncontrollably. They might feel ashamed of their anger and unwilling to speak with someone about the rage-filled mother that they have become. They need to know that being angry, feeling resentful, and being irritable on a consistent basis are not just normal feelings that you have to live with. Perhaps we should refer to it as Postpartum Anxiety or Postpartum Rage instead of depression. The Canadian Mental Health Association reports that up to 20% of women suffer from PPD. I wonder, if the spotlight shone more brightly on some of the “less ladylike” traits of PPD, that the number would rise significantly. Perhaps so many more mothers would get help.


I am getting help and it is getting so much better. I am bonding with my new baby so much more now. I am enjoying my young son as he asks me hundreds of questions a day. My dishes have much less to fear and my husband no longer walks on eggshells. Are there some days when I still get angry and lose my temper? Absolutely. But they happen less often and when they do happen I am more easily able to get myself under control. It’s getting so much better, for me, but every time that I speak to moms or moms-to-be about PPD from now on the information and list of symptoms I give will be much different.

(We have heard from Katherine at "Postpartum Progress" and want to encourage moms who are wondering about PPD, think they may need more information about the way the are feeling or are worried they may be a candidate for PPD to check out her blog and the resources she shares on it. She has information for moms and moms-to-be in Canada and the US.)

A couple of other great articles about PPD -- illuminating signs like anger as well as the more traditional PPD responses -- are found at:
Parenting Through Depression: How I Tend to My Children When I'd Rather Stay in Bed: advice for moms and dads with depression by Jane Roper
Barely Knit Together: Results Are In On The Elephant In The Living Room - Part One
and Part Two

Kristin