CAN WE SEND HIM BACK?

The days, moments, and hours we DON’T love parenting . . .

Prior to delivering this well-loved and uber-anticipated baby you hadn’t been up in the middle of the night with any regularity since first year university. Now, in the inky-black of the bedroom, you hear your baby’s breathing pattern shift from gentle snores into the pre-waking lip smacking. Your breasts begin the telltale change indicating it is time to get up to nurse your baby.

While rolling over and forcing your eyes to open, you notice the unbroken, unaltered breathing pattern of your soundly, sleeping partner. A soft groan escapes from your mouth as you reach over to turn on the night-light beside your bed. Although it is difficult to focus, you’re pretty sure the bedside clock reads: 3:11 a.m.

Without meaning to, without planning it, and without (thankfully) anyone able to hear you, you ask yourself **why** you wanted to be a mother anyway. You gasp and look around ensuring your message wasn’t heard and look down at the vision of perfection waking beside you. How could you have asked such a horrible question when there isn’t a doubt in the world that you love this baby more than you love your own life?

Because you are a mom!!

Even though you were told it would be hard. Even though you watched the videos in prenatal class. Even though you’ve seen the bags under the eyes of your new-mommy peers, you didn’t really believe that there would be times that you would not love every single second of parenting. I STILL feel that way every once in a while and my children are well past infancy and toddlerhood. They go to sleep at bedtime, sleep through the night and do their level best to get up without waking me in the mornings. All of these wonderful attributes aside, there are still days I wonder what on earth I got myself into.

I receive countless calls and share communal tears with many moms I have met and taught. I listen as they berate themselves for not being the ever-doting mother who loves every single moment of parenthood. I am here to tell you that there isn’t a mother on the planet who has loved every single part of the parenting process.

How can you work 18-24 hours a day (and when you are not “on the floor” working, you are “on call”), 7 days a week without feeling overwhelmed sometimes? Factor in sleeping on an erratic schedule and eating whenever you get a chance and it’s no wonder that life isn’t all a bed of roses.

What matters is that usually you **do** love it. It matters that you get that gooey feeling in your tummy when you watch your baby sigh in his sleep or wrap your finger tight in her hand. The power is yours when you let yourself spend more time focusing on the sweet smell of your milk-drunk babe than on the gut-wrenching guilt over the frustration of not being able to pee without interruption in weeks.

There will be something you love and something you really DON’T love about every step and stage of your child’s life. The key is to embrace that knowledge and not let it make you feel like less than the perfect parent you already are. (To date my least favourite has been the “well, actually mom . . . “ phase. Grrr, just makes me angry to think about it!)

Now, you have been unburdened of the guilt you have secretly carried around. You know you are just one of the crowd. So, sneak into the room where your child is or children are and just watch them for a few moments. Then, when you can’t stay away another moment, slip over, wrap them in your arms and breathe deep. Always, ALWAYS remember to BREATHE!!!

It’s the hardest job you will ever do but it is also the best gig ever!!!

(This post is not referring to Post Partum Depression (PPD). I am simply making reference to the sometimes-overwhelming frustration that comes with living with anyone on a day-to-day basis. If you are worried that you have PPD and would like to read Kristin’s recent post, please click here.)

Posted by Sam