SLEEP . . . UGH! Alone as a parenting issue it is enough to make whimpering, burbling, sobbing heaps of the sanest adult. Why are we so fixated on making our baby sleep "through the night?"
Desperation. As I ask around, primarily through mom’s groups I attend, Twitter and Facebook, the response always comes back to the same thing: desperation. Sure, everyone wants to tell me why they “sleep trained” their baby (or didn’t) but what it always comes back to is their desperate need for sleep and their lack of understanding as to why babies wake frequently through the night.
I have talked about some of these in my recent posts, “The Most Common Call” and “SUDS/SIDS, Breastfeeding and More.” What we, as parents, need to recognize is why we place these expectations both on our babies and on ourselves.
Did you know that your baby will wake frequently during the night when they are getting ready to master a new skill? An infant who was previously sleeping soundly without any added encouragement from you will suddenly begin waking at regular intervals to practice various gross motor skills. It makes sense doesn’t it? That a child who does not yet have “object permanence” sorted out can’t go 8, 10 or 12 hours without waking up to make another attempt at rolling, sitting, crawling, pulling to stand or walking?
Are they doing it to frustrate you? No, of course not. You know that BUT you can’t help being upset because the balance you had been struggling to maintain each day was reliant upon, in large part, the unbroken sleep you had been achieving each night. NO ONE who is of sound mind wants to be awake in the middle of the night not even your baby. That’s just it though isn’t it? We aren’t rational at that time of day. We enter into the nursery, see baby sitting, lying or standing AND crying when they should be sleeping and we get irritated that they aren’t sleeping. We forget to acknowledge that this is a normal developmental milestone and that our babies will outgrow this new schedule as soon as the new skill has been mastered.
What about teething? Do you remember the endless need to put pressure on your swollen and inflamed gums as your wisdom teeth threatened to break through the surface of the skin? You KNEW that it was these teeth which were causing you discomfort and you did whatever you could to help alleviate the tenderness in your mouth. Imagine having teeth working to poke through the skin (and remember that those teeth are very sharp when they come through) while you are trying to get some shut-eye but not understanding WHY your mouth hurt so much.
These are only two of the potential reasons your baby will wake through the night. Look at other possibilities too. Do you have a neighbour whose driveway is on the side of the house where your baby’s room is? Is that neighbour now working midnights somewhere and coming or going through the night and their loud vehicle is disturbing the sleep cycles of your precious infant? Look at all of the possible variables and that will help to start you on the path to having the patience your baby needs at night.
Some days will certainly be better than others. I am sure you’ve seen some variation of the following scenario:
A woman enters. Carrying a small baby in a sling she walks up to a group of other mothers who are sitting in a circle and have their babies lying on receiving blankets on the floor in front of them. They have broken off their conversation to allow emotional and physical space for this new arrival and anything she may need to “unload” as she sits down.
She sighs as she divests her body of the diaper bag come suitcase, unfolds her own receiving blanket, unslings her baby, places him on the floor, unwinds her feet to surround him as he lays there looking up a her and begins, “Hey everyone, sorry we’re late. Little Jimmy is having a hard time napping and I am SO tired. I just wasn’t sure we were going to make it out today.”
Everyone with her nods understandingly and together they set off on a dissection of the sleeping patterns of new babies and the ways to get baby to sleep “better.”
We read this scene a little differently when we acknowledge that maybe “Little Jimmy” isn’t sleeping as soundly because he is working through teeth or the mastering of developmental milestones, right? It is not longer simply that he wasn’t able to sleep well.
We always seem to blame the baby. “He isn’t sleeping well.” “She won’t sleep through the night.” “He wakes up crying and seems to need me.” “She doesn’t really need to eat, she is just awake.”
When are we going to stop expecting our new children to act like mini-adults and give them time to mature gradually? Some babies sleep better than others. That’s a fact. Some have more needs during the night than others. That is also a fact.
Aren’t there adults who don’t sleep particularly well? Do you know someone who wakes at least once a night to pee, get a drink of water, because of a nightmare, or just because?? Why don’t we allow our babies the same opportunities? Our babies need our help to go back to sleep. They are brand new! They need our help to sit, eat, move around and get dressed. Why wouldn’t they require our help to sleep too?
What I hear from most everyone who has implemented some form of “sleep training” is that they feel they did it in order to be a better parent. I do understand that on some levels and I really don’t on others. If you are willing to approach it in such a fashion that the needs of EVERYONE involved are taken into account and given equal value then perhaps I can see how it would unfold. VERY few homes function as a “democracy” though and in all but the exceptionally rare cases parents make the decisions, not the children.
Now is not the time to debate the efficacy of a democratic home where everyone gets a vote. I have done that before. I simply want to investigate why parents want their babies to sleep “better” and without waking anyone else up.
I have always been and will always be of the opinion that every parent knows what is best for themselves and as long as respect is involved in the process then you will parent your child the way that works best for your family. I am not a fan of reading most “how-to” parenting books. Examples of books I have read that worry me with regard to some of the unsafe information shared include: “Secrets of the Baby Whisperer: How to Calm, Connect and Communicate With Your Baby,” all of the “On Becoming Baby Wise” books, and the whole “What to Expect” series. My concern with these books, other than the reality that some of their information can be downright dangerous is that they don’t recognize that all babies are different nor do they encourage parents to follow their hearts. If you have read my blog post about “The Most Common Call,” these are the very books I was referring to.
That said there are MANY out there, which give you a spectrum of suggestions from a variety of parents (young and old alike). I prefer this format mostly because it helps new parents with questions see that there aren’t any “right” ways to do anything. Books by William and Martha Sears or Ann Douglas have a variety of suggestions and opinions of strategies that have worked for others and which may work for you.
I have tried to take some time here to offer you a different way to look at the baby/parent sleep relationship so that you can begin to investigate what may be causing your infant to wake through the night. I have also tried to offer resources as to where you might learn more about deciding what you need to do in order to help your baby learn to sleep better.
We all know that there are an endless number of ways to get a baby to sleep. We all know that we, as adults, need sleep to survive and to function. This post wasn’t written to argue about which method is better. We come to that ourselves and each in our own way. I wanted to talk a little about what I think is the primary reason for WHY we feel so compelled to try anything short of standing on our heads to make our babies into “good sleepers.” My conclusion? Desperation . . . and fatigue! ;o)
A few sites to educate about "Object Permanence:"
http://thebrain.mcgill.ca/flash/i/i_09/i_09_p/i_09_p_dev/i_09_p_dev.html
http://www.kidsdevelopment.co.uk/ObjectPermanenceInfants.html
rhsroyals.nbed.nb.ca/staff/Beatty%20Psych/Chapter%20Notes/C11-P1.doc
Posted by Sam
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13 comments:
You said:
"Do you know someone who wakes at least once a night to pee, get a drink of water, because of a nightmare, or just because."
Yes. I do. It's me.
That is why I try to be understanding of my children's night waking.
I also know that I have often had trouble falling asleep at night and that it sometimes takes me a very long time to fall asleep. I remember being scared and alone in a dark room when I was a toddler and preschooler (pretty much up until the time when I was old enough to read myself to sleep). That's why when my kids say "stay with me mommy", I stay with them.
I have been there, done that, and understand how they feel.
Thanks for writing this post. It seems that all the new parents I know are fans of 'getting baby to sleep through the night' and all of them have been able to do this (either by letting them cry it out, sitting with them through it and soothing them for several nights, or they are just plain lucky that at 2 months the baby started sleeping 6 hour stretches). I like that you are more concerned about taking care of baby's sleeping needs by following baby's lead - which is what I think I'm doing, we've co-slept since 4 weeks. He's now one year old, and his waking through the night is unpredictable, sometimes he sleeps 5 hours straight and other times he wakes after 1.5 hours. Your article is good reminder that it is because baby is going through major growing pains. Thanks for letting me know that not everyone lets their infant suffer through that alone.
Thank you Mom (Lulu). That is my hope, that people will read the post and understand some of the reasons babies wake through the night. When we are exhausted we sometimes lose our patience or feel extra frustrated and that is totally normal. As long as we can keep the balance MOST of the time, that counts for a lot.
Annie, I am STILL afraid of the dark. I openly admit it. My dh is not. I understand when my boys are more cautious about the dark better than he does. He has more patience when be awoken out of a dead sleep better than I do. We each have our strengths.
I recently mention the fact my family sleeps in the same bed to a co-worker (who does not have children) and was met with the response that I was a bad mother. I am ok if the rest of the world thinks my co-sleeping breastfeeding choices makes me a bad mother. I know little boys that would strongly disagree. I have read, seen and heard too much about sleep training. It seems odd to force my children to sleep alone when their parents get to sleep together. What ever the reason ( this week our 4 yr old says his bed is not comfy, last week he was too cold) I want my children to feel safe, loved and wanted.
I am totally afraid of the dark. In fact, I used to sleep with my covers over my head to 'hide' from it. Now I don't because I'm worried about not hearing my kids. So I understand being afraid at night, and I don't want my babies to feel that way.
I really wish that our society didn't put such pressure on babies and families to conform to an unrealistic sleep expectation. Lot and lots and lots of moms think their babies are the only ones who refuse to sleep, when really I think that's the norm. Sometimes it's the fear of having a baby who doesn't live up to expectations more than actual sleep deprivation that creates the desperation. That's why I think posts like this are so important. Let's be honest and upfront and find ways to work so that everyone's needs are met instead of implying that your baby is just 'bad'.
I have also co-slept with both my kids. My baby is now 12 months, still sleeping with me a good portion of the night. I love the cuddle time and feel it is a great way to develop a secure and loved child. It's just plain easier for nursing mothers too. I know my time with my partner is suffering a little, but it is such a special time in our lives, we really don't mind. I highly doubt we will have a 20 year old sleeping in our bed still. I know that before long she will sleep happily in her own bed, so for now she is my cuddle bug.
Well that would explain why to date all my kids have only started walking at a year and talking between 2-3...no night waking to develop those skills! Somehow that information actually makes me feel better!
So over 8 years here are a few of my observations:
-most parents are asking for help in the sleep department. I have never actually ever been asked if the kids sleep through the night nor have I ever asked...if I have ever heard anyone say "how does the baby sleep?" it's usually after a long exhaustive story about how the baby cries all the time, isn't nursing well, the problems are endless. I think the only people in the world concerned about a baby sleeping through the night are the parents.
-people who get up in the night, tend to have more empathy for the possible feelings their children MAY feel - often based on their own personal experience. And I think they may not realize that not everyone gets thirsty in the night or has to pee in the middle of the night so think that parents who have children who sleep through the night are refusing to get up and so somehow those small children could be trained or controlled to not get up for those things...silly.
-parents, moms especially are told on one hand to nap when their baby naps but somehow still attend the mommy groups, breastfeeding support groups and of course to get back to "before baby" weight - any other mommy & baby exercise programs...
-and most moms now are career women. They want their starbucks, yoga and circle of friends with little to no change when baby comes into the picture.
I have a friend who asked me over coffee one night "so when will life go back to normal?" and I just stared at her "back to normal"? Her kids are 6 - 3...And she has also told me that the consensus among her friends is that they love their children but this is not the life they had expected.
Considering what a terrible, truly horrible person I am when I don't get enough sleep, I don't fault anyone who feels that that is a need. When I say "sleep makes me a better parent", I am not joking. I live with a lot of guilt when it comes to some of the things I have/have not done in a sleep deprived state - my children are the ones to pay the price for that unnecessary behavior. Does that mean that I never get up - HA, I wish...the needs of everyone in our home are met whether at 2am or 2pm...sleep is like any other issue in parenting, it requires common sense.
So reading over my post I realized I never really stated my point which was that:
If we want parents to have realistic expectations for their baby's sleep patterns, then we need to encourage realistic lifestyle expectations for the parents.
You make a LOT of sense @Natural Mom Loves Prada. You are so right that we have to have realistic expectations so that we can better understand what is happening in our lives AS it happens (not always with hindsight)!
I'd like to put a different spin on this because of my own personal experience. Sleep is as much a human need as oxygen, food, water and warmth. Sleep deprivation is a common torture technique and it's more dangerous than drinking and driving when it comes to car accidents. Articles like this might help someone who is surprised that their child is waking up 3 times a night and doesn't like sleep being disrupted, but I don't think it's helpful for people who are suffering from severe sleep deprivation.
In my case, I was greatly affected by PPD and I don't know if that was making my sleep worse or if my lack of sleep was making my PPD worse, but in either case I was a mess. Every time Rachel woke up it would take me an hour or more to get back to sleep, which didn't amount to much sleep when she woke up every 2 hours. When she was 6 weeks old, she stayed up for 16 hours straight without even taking a nap, not upset, just looking around.
I was staying at home full time and so was my husband and my mom was coming down from North Bay for 4 or 5 days a week to help out. My husband and I worked out "shifts" so I could sleep at night while he stayed up, then he'd sleep all day. Even with all that, I was so exhausted that I could barely function. I didn't have high expectations for my lifestyle to remain as it had been before; all I wanted was the strength to take a shower.
I ended up moving in with my parents for 6 months when Jim went back to work; he only got to see Rachel once during all that time. I had to stop breastfeeding when she was 2.5 months old because the BF friendly antidepressants made my insomnia worse.
I guess my point is that I understood WHY Rachel was waking up and I felt empathy for her, but when things were that bad, it didn't help to know the reasons why. I needed a lot of help...much more than most moms, I know...but there are other moms out there who might be going through what I went through. In that state I'd have read an article like this and felt like I was a horrible mother because I couldn't just accept Rachel waking up and learn to love it. Maybe I'm just oversensitive to it all now, but I don't want any other mom to feel those things.
Sheri, I hope you know that the intent of the article was never to make anyone feel badly. Just as I pass out "Why Babies Cry" handouts in my prenatal classes, I wanted to share "Why Babies Don't Sleep" information with parents who are looking for potential reasons as to why their babies don't sleep as well as they expected them to or as well as "xyz's" baby sleeps.
I wish you had contacted me when Rachel was a baby. If I had had any clue about your struggles I would probably have offered some suggestions to ways that might have helped Rachel understand and get "in sync" with her own sleep cycles.
Examples of therapies that work miraculous wonders for infants include: Craniosacral therapy (non-invasive and EXTREMELY effective tool for new babies), chiropractic (not as invasive or "cracking" as the adult version) and osteopathy. I have seen these treatments two insomnia, headaches, infant constipation, diarrhea, colic, etc.
While I am sorry that this article made you feel like a "horrible mother" (and again please know that was in NO WAY my intention) I thought it was an important bit of information to share so that others have an idea what might be going on. Too many people don't know of understand infant sleep cycles. I simply wanted to share some of that information.
PS - I am sorry that your "BF friendly antidepressants made [your] insomnia worse." Mine, for my PPD, made me want to do nothing BUT sleep. They all affect each of us differently I guess.
Sam, I wasn't trying to say that this article made me feel like a horrible mother. I just meant that when I was in the midst of everything, I would have taken it that way and I wanted to put the other side to it because there might be other moms out there who are reading it the same way. I'm sure everything you've said IS helpful to most people who aren't dealing with PPD and stuff like that. I guess I just wish there was a disclaimer on every article ever written urging people to get help if they are having a lot of trouble. I think all moms feel a lot of guilt, and when you add in being a first time mom of a tiny baby AND PPD, guilt comes from every direction.
It true. That's why I make sure everyone leaving my prenatal classes has resources about what PPD is, how to find help and information. It is easy to feel overwhelmed by it all. As an educator it about all I can do, as much as I might want to do more.
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