Do All Toddlers Regress When New Siblings Arrive?

Sleeping through the night? Check!
Totally self-toileting? Check!
Aware of appropriate communication tools? Check!
Eating well and with little prodding? Check!
Happy to have a “big boy” bed in his own room? Check!

We had met all of our pre-existing requirements and we were more than ready to greet our new baby. Our eldest son (PB) was meeting all of the milestones we had set for him and we were sure we had done everything possible to get him ready for the arrival of his baby brother (SB).

Yes, we knew we were expecting to have another boy. When PB learned that he was to become a big brother he let us know, in no uncertain terms, that he expected me to give birth to a baby sister. His best friend at the time was the gorgeous redheaded daughter of a friend of mine. Since he knew he got on well with girls then it stood to reason that a sister would be the best choice for him in terms of a sibling.

When our midwife asked us to have an ultrasound at 23 weeks (we hadn’t had any ultrasounds prior to that point) to confirm that I wasn't carrying twins we happily consented. Since we were there we decided to find out the sex of our unborn child. A boy! Hmmm.

A couple of months later and considerable lauding of the benefits of baby brothers and PB was ready to meet his own. He was prepared to “help” by getting me diapers, share mommy’s breasts for milk for the baby AND to walk instead of being carried. He was totally ready!!

And I believed him . . . d’uh!!!

Anyone who knows PB knows that he is a warm and compassionate young man. He has been for all of his life. He WAS a normal 3 year old when his brother arrived on the scene though and that meant that there were days when he didn’t want to help and, on one occasion, that he didn’t even want his brother hanging out with us.

And he regressed.

It is the most frustrating of all parenting experiences combined when we have to couple the challenges of parenting a new baby with the tendency for older children to take steps backwards in their emotional and physiologic development. It is beyond our understanding as to why they would want to “do this to us.”

What we forget that it was us who “did this” to them! They didn’t ask for a sibling. They were perfectly happy being the centre of our familial universe, the proverbial apples of our eyes. Even if they did ask for a sibling, they had no ability to understand the full scale of the request being made.

Babies arrive and with them come demands that make non-parents cringe given the time and energy they require. If we are so wrapped up in diapering, feeding, carrying, soothing and caring for our newborns then how do we make the sure to have an adequate amount of time set aside for our first born children?

If our elder offspring see our new infants receiving so much of our attention without having to do much more than just be then why are we surprised when they regress and begin acting as infantile as possible? And why do we feel the right to be angry with them for adapting their needs to present them in a way which seems working pretty well for the baby? In fact, I think they are geniuses to figure it out. When you think about it, isn’t it astounding that they can put it all together?

So PB regressed. He stopped speaking in full sentences. He “forgot” to toilet properly. He didn’t want to lie down and go to sleep without our company. He “needed” to be carried more often. He even wanted help getting dressed in the mornings, an activity he had proudly told us “me do! ME DO!”

What did we do? Can I just tell you that what we did do was very different than what we wanted to do! We wanted to get angry. We wanted to reason with him. We wanted to punish him. We wanted him to be as frustrated as we were. We wanted to know why it was that he was choosing now to get on our very last nerve!

Instead of responding the way we wanted to we got down on our knees in front of him, we scooped him into a huge hug and we reminded him over and over again that he was our PB and that we loved him more than life. We acknowledged that his new brother, while a welcome addition to our family, had permanently changed all of our lives and that there would be times when each of us would struggle with all of the adjustments we needed to make.

Then, when the heat of the moment had passed, we would go together to the linen closet to grab a rag to clean up the mess that had been made or to his room to change out of his soiled pants or into his room to snuggle to sleep. No matter how much his regression upset us, we did everything in our power to remember that the change in PB’s world was more life altering and difficult for him to process than it was for us.

Posted by Sam

PS - the photo at the top of this post is of PB proudly holding SB on May 20, 2001 when he first met his baby brother! Looks pretty happy, doesn't he?